Naiku

Harris leaned over the little sculpture and scrutinized it carefully, looking at it from every angle.  It was a rather crude representation of a bald fat man, scowling as he wielded an oddly balanced sword.

“Eastern in what sense?” he said.

“Well, you know, martial arts, zen, that kind of stuff.”

Ah,” he said, straightening up.  “Eastern in the sense of anything but.”

A thing ain’t haiku
Necessarily because
Of the right numbers

How to become a Facebook sensation in 10 easy steps

Another in my acclaimed series of how-to articles.

  1. Publish a blog alleging something preposterous, like “Walmart Paper Towels Used in Obamacare Plot to Cover up Monsanto Assassination of Hugo Chávez,”
  2. Arrange for a friend with Photoshop to have Batman saying it while slapping Robin.
  3. Post the result on Facebook, with a caption, like, “Wow!  Just…wow!” or something similar.
  4. When someone points out that it is, in fact, utterly ridiculous, accuse that person of censorship.
  5. Share your own post, asking why the mainstream media have been ignoring this story.
  6. When lulzsec offers to crash the FBI website in protest, share that, too.
  7. When Fox News calls, tell them you got the story from Huffington Post.
  8. When Huffington Post calls, tell them you got the story from Fox News.
  9. When interest wanes, pretend Facebook tried to shut you down.
  10. Start a petition against Facebook.

Open letter to the Director, Department of Intelligent Design

Dear Sir,

It is my belief that, the prototype having been in production for some 6,000 years, some issues might be addressed which have come to my attention.

First, although it may have seemed a good idea at the time, it is increasingly clear that it was a mistake to make the universe seem so much older than it really is.  I was not present at the meeting when this was discussed, so I cannot say what the purpose may have been.  There has been talk of some sort of test to be administered to a transient species near the end of the process, but it now seems rather a lot of trouble to have gone to, for what could only have been some sort of joke.

Second, I thought it had been agreed that the order and harmony principles behind the design would obviate any further tinkering down the line.  It now seems that suspension of the rules which govern things is so frequently required that there is even a name for it: “miracle.”  I don’t suppose it occurred to whomever authorized the first miracle that it would set off a chain of events requiring more and more of them as more time went by.  Can you say butterfly effect?  I understand it has even gotten to the point where sporting events can no longer be decided without intervention.

Third, biology.  I don’t know where to start.  Who was in charge of biology?  I mean, it started out fine, lots of diversity there, plenty of fun, but did somebody go on vacation, or what?  I get a column with four protrusions.  Nice symmetry, good locomotor possibilities, sound basic engineering.  But why stand it up?  Do that, and the load structure goes all wrong, you get joint issues, and the column goes all to hell.  ME 101.  Hell, might as well just have evolution if we’re going to be that sloppy.  And don’t even get me started on bacteria; they’ve got security issues you could push a planet through.  We need a change of leadership there, for sure.

Fourth, and in my opinion, most disturbing, we seem to have pushed all our error down into the nano level.  I completely see the reasoning behind this: sweep it under the great cosmic rug, and hope nobody trips over it.  But they will, you can count on it.  Already, people have found out that we’ve got stuff popping in and out of existence down there all the time to keep things in balance, and they’ve been poking around anti-this and dark-that for years.  It’s only a matter of time.  (Sorry, couldn’t resist)

I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but I hope there is still time to address these issues.  I know, we can always create more time if we run out, but is that really the right way to run things?

With all due respect,

God, Sr. (Retired)

The 10 realizations

  1. Holy shit, I’m going to die!
  2. I might as well eat, drink and be merry.
  3. This might make me die sooner, so, I should eat healthy and exercise.
  4. I could get hit by a truck and die anyway.
  5. If I eat healthy, exercise, and drink a lot of expensive hooch, I’ll cover all the bases.
  6. Expensive hooch is no better for me than cheap hooch, and costs more.
  7. If I eat a lot, build huge muscles, and drink cheap hooch, people will think I’m an existentialist.
  8. If I learn a martial art, people will think I’m a dangerous existentialist who doesn’t fear anything.
  9. If people think that, they will want to test me.
  10. Holy shit, I’m going to die!