Here are the results of the latest Nosie-Snupes poll:

• 78% of Americans believe that if only we got rid of the intelligence community, bad people would leave us alone.
• 56% believe that if we stopped regulating businesses, everything would be cheaper and better.
• 42% believe criminals would have a change of heart and go straight, if only there were less government.
• 60% believe the Tooth Fairy’s cousin Louie fills potholes for free at night.
• 42% believe the government wants to take away their ED medications.
• 39% think guns make them irresistible to the opposite sex.
• 48% think guns make them irresistible to the same sex.
• 98% believe that government aid that they get is only sensible.
• 98% believe that government aid that someone else gets is graft and corruption.

That’s the latest from America’s chief poll-takers, the Nosie-Snupes Foundation, a subsidiary of WTF Industries.