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Explaining the Holy Trinity

Okay, so, God himself  is male, although there doesn’t seem to be a Mrs. God, or even any Girlfriends.  All the same, he has a son, Jesus, who, in spite of his name, is not Hispanic, but Jewish.  The reason for this is that his mother was Jewish, and as we know, descent is reckoned matrilineally in that tradition.

Why his mother was Jewish is rather complicated, but it all goes back to the fact that there aren’t any Goddesses.  There used to be, of course, along with dozens of other Gods, but that was before all the Mergers.  A lack of Planning, no doubt.  At any rate, God needed a son, apparently.  This was because the original people, by finding out the Big Secret, had annoyed him to the point that the only way to fix things was for him to have a son and have people kill him.  It’s not clear who made that rule; you would have thought that would only have annoyed him even more.  But never mind, that was the rule, and there was no squirming out of it.

So there’s God, needing a son, and no obvious way to get one.  Except, of course, being God, he could have just created one on the spot.  Or he could have just said, “Forget it, that Adam and Eve thing was so long ago, who even remembers?”  But of course there was the rule.  Maybe God has a Mom we don’t know about?

But I digress.  What to do?  Well, humans had beaucoup females.  A bit kinky, but well within divine tradition, and after all, the whole issue was their fault.  Of course, she would have to be a virgin.  I mean.  And it would be way cool if she could stay a virgin through the whole thing.

God was living in the Levant in those days, and found a suitable girl, Mary, in no time.  The permanent virgin thing was trickier.  Enter the Holy Ghost.

I’m not saying that all of the above has been a paragon of clarity, but this is where things get a bit fuzzy.  See,  in spite of being the Holy Ghost, he’s not a former Holy Live Person, as you might expect.  To complicate things even more, it’s not clear exactly what he is.  I say he, but even that’s not clear.  Sometimes he’s a dove, sometimes, especially when he’s making religious people spout gibberish, he’s, like, fire.  Not like a house fire, more like a little Bic fire, sprouting from their heads.  With regard to the whole Mary thing, you often see him in paintings as a dove, but I’m going with the Bic; more consistent with permanent virgincy, don’t you think?

So.  That’s your Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost.  Mary doesn’t count, as she’s a she, and everybody agrees nowadays that persons of that persuasion don’t have sufficient gravitas.  They have obviously not met any nuns.  Ditto for the possible Holy Mom.  This may leave you wondering, who is Jesus’ real Dad, God or the Holy Ghost?  It also brings up the whole issue of the Holy Ghost’s rank, so to speak.  Is he a Brother, an Uncle, a Pet?  Or if they are all the same person, as people claim, how does that make any sense?  As it happens, I have had the privilege of twelve years of Roman Catholic education, from kindergarten through high school, under the tutelage of first the fine Sisters of Providence, and then the Franciscans.  I am highly qualified to give you the best answer from the highest authority.

It’s a mystery.  Shut up.

5 thoughts on “Explaining the Holy Trinity

  1. My mind is roiling with all the implications of the Holy Ghost as a dove, and his impregnation of Mary. I’ve made a very, very minor change in the story. See if you can find it!

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