Detective story

I like detective stories, murder mysteries, whatever you like to call them.  So I decided to write one.  I’ve read enough of them, should be a breeze.

I got off to a good start: an eerily quiet, snowy morning, a kid on his way to school discovers a corpse in a snow bank.  Enter the suitably surly detective, aroused before his shift by a heartless supervisor, and his chain-smoking assistant, as inexplicably cheerful as his boss was sour.  I brilliantly describe a snow-filled unplowed winter morning in a medium sized city in 1957, complete with telling detail, and not too many, not too few red herrings.  The crime scene and the corpse are especially inspired.

The detective mopes about, poking things, occasionally making notes, and getting the photographer to take lots of pictures.  People on the block are waking up and getting in the way.  A rube of a uniformed cop is dispatched to interview everyone while the surly detective mysteriously (or pointlessly?) disappears down an alley.  The body is hauled away.  The investigation begins in earnest, as they determine the cause of death.

Which was?

See, it’s just this kind of meaningless, unliterary stuff that causes so much trouble.  Because I can’t really know the cause of death until I know how the deed was done, which in turn has to be clever enough to confuse the police, and, of course, the reader.  Which means I have to know the ending.

Which means I have to ruin the story for myself before I can write it!

I ask you, is that fair?

Exile’s Child

I’ve just moved my poetry blog, Exile’s Child , to WordPress.  Please have a look!

What I think I believe: A prose poem

To say there is no duality is to concede there is.

To say God has a list is ignorance.

To say you know anything for sure is naive.

To believe in a separate, personal God is nothing short of ridiculous.

Every religion tells us that God is immutable, omnipotent, and utterly ungraspable by the human mind.  Every religion goes on to tell us exactly what is in the mind of God.

Do you think your one, holy, catholic and apostolic church has droned the same immutable message since it rose from the ashes of the Roman Empire?  Do you really believe your free-thinking, free-wheeling nihilistic Buddha is the same one who sat, perplexed, tormented and impatient under the Bodhi tree?  Can it be your quibbling, etymological Yaweh is the same brutal partisan of the Torah?  Is your pitiless prophet the same one who forgave the Meccans for trying to destroy him?

Congratulations, you have mastered the difficult art of intransigent gullibility.  Nothing is changeless, not even the divine genealogies your ancestors would find disturbing without their context.

Yes, there is a God, created and lovingly maintained by his human masters.  How could it be the opposite?  Does God shave?  What does he eat?  What use would he have of testicles?  Where does he get his clothes?  How can he have demands?

In my universe, there is no god but All.  There are no demands, no rewards, no punishment.  Leave that kind of stuff for humanity.  The meaning of life is life.  The meaning of death is life.  The meaning of humanity is arrogance.  The meaning of good is evil.  The meaning of my right hand is my left hand.

How can it be otherwise?

Hats, dentists and story tellers

Many years ago, when I was young and foolish enough to be perfectly safe doing the most dubious things, I toured Morocco on less than fifty bucks, US.  I took a boat to the Spanish enclave of Melilla, and walked across the border to Nador, a town no one had ever heard of, before or since.  My traveling companion, Stu,  was a friend from my Air Force days.  Nador turned out to be a bit of a hike from the border.  We must have been a sight for the local fisherman, all backpacks and guitars and covered with road grime;  I wore a fedora and had a large bowie knife strapped to my belt to complete the picture.  Singing cowboys for sure, they must have thought, but where are their horses?

I won’t tell you all of our adventures there; I have the right to remain silent.  Suffice it to say we grew wary and slightly uncomfortable.  Our solution was to get on a bus, all goats and chickens, and cross the Rif Mountains to the royal city of Fes.  The Rif had the distinction of not having been conquered, by anyone.  Ever.  Not the Romans who reduced Carthage to rubble and salted its fields, not the Arabs who swept across the Maghreb like a scythe in a wheatfield, and not the Spanish or French, despite claims to the contrary.  So it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to see Rif tribesmen, their eyes like iron gates slammed shut, climb aboard with ancient Remington rifles slung across their backs.  But it was.

Next to me sat a dapper young man who spoke English, and spent much of the journey telling me how alike we were, and how unlike the restless, glowering tribesmen.  Luckily, he got off the bus midway through the trip, before any of the other passengers, who I swore could understand at least some of what he was saying, swatted us like the annoying flies we must have seemed.

A lot of other amazing and interesting things happened on that journey; maybe I’ll tell you about them another time.  This story is really about Fes, at which we arrived about midnight, exhausted.

Fes is one of the great ancient cities of Morocco, and one of four with a royal palace, each from a different period.  Like all North African cities of any size, it bears the imprint of European colonialism, in that part of it is indistinguishable from any city in Europe, and the other part, called the medina, is like stepping into the twelfth century.  Medina in Arabic simply means city, as in Madinat Al-Nabi, the full name of Medina in Arabia, the “city of the prophet”, Muhammad.  That’s a long story itself, but can be easily recovered from Wikipedia, so I won’t go into it.  In the Maghreb,  these “cities” are the remnants of pre-colonial cities where they were large enough to survive modernization.  There are two adjacent medinas in Fes, Fes al Bali and Fes Jdid.  Al Bali is the older, and is particularly enthralling, its ancient walls still standing, pierced by some twenty gates, ranging from the magnificent to the humdrum.

Stu and I had landed at one of the least imposing of the gates, Bab Ftouh, the entrance to the potters quarter, in a darkness as black as our demeanor at seeing a small square filled with dark doorways and the occasional  hooded figure.  The bus had disgorged its cargo, and all but the two of us had quickly melted into the shadows.  How we passed that night has utterly vanished from my memory, probably just as well, because the next day was washed with sunlight, and we decided to make our way to Bab Bou Jeloud.  A brilliant decision, as it took us through almost the entire medina, passing through the main souk, and by dusk, we found a small pension near our destination.  It was a dark and damp room with no water.  Outside the door was a large basin with cold running water, and nearby was a squatter for less social activities.  But it was cheap, about twenty cents US a day, and it was home.  Since it was just inside Bab Bou Jeloud, the main entrance to the medina, it was also near the amenities of the modern city, which included public showers for a dirham or two.  Across the street was a small restaurant where one could get a gigantic bowl of nutritious soup and all the khubz one could eat for a few pennies.  I often saw beggars get fed for free there.  I never saw one turned away.

So many stories could go on from this point, but instead I will get to the point, which is, dentists and story tellers.  On our trek to our new home, we had seen marvels in the souk, but one had stuck in my imagination: a small table covered with a white cloth, with dozens of teeth arrayed on it.  I had to know what that was all about.  And so, one fine morning I set off to find out.  Forty-odd years ago, when this took place, one walked through early morning Fes al Bali in the middle of the narrow, twisting streets, to avoid getting hit by the contents of chamber pots emptied through second floor windows.  Being a cautious sort, I bought a hat from a vendor in the street.  He had attached himself as I passed, and was trying to sell me a djellaba sized for a midget.  I settled on the only thing he had that would fit me: the hat on his head.  Deal!

Within the boundaries if this particular souk was an open square, and that was where I found my destination.  This time there were three tables of teeth, not just one.  Some friendly competition!  On closer examination, most of the teeth were whole, and next to them on the tables were dental extractors, i. e., pliers.  These were dentists, and the one with the most unbroken teeth on display was the best.  My current dentist says this is actually a pretty good measure of dental skill, since it is difficult to pull diseased teeth without breaking them off.

I learned this through a combination of gesture, and a mixture of French, Spanish, and English, none of them properly deployed, no doubt, but nevertheless adequate to the purpose.  Next to Dental Row, against a wall, a man had been regaling an audience the whole time I was bantering with the dentists;  it turned out he was a story teller, a common fixture in many parts of the world with few electronics.   For tips, he would tell long, often dramatic stories; for larger tips, he would include your name in a custom made story of your own.  I was looking at a direct cultural descendant of Homer.

He had heard the clatter of languages at the dental tables, and saw me approach.  More gesturing; I told him my name, and he launched into a lengthy monologue punctuated by alternating groans and gales of laughter from the growing audience.  The performance lasted about fifteen minutes; all I could understand was the periodic occurrence of my name, but I could see from the reaction of the crowd that it was a splendidly wrought tale with twists both dramatic and humorous.  He got a very nice tip from me, and more from the rest of the listeners.

I would love to know what the story was.  Or maybe not.  At any rate, I left the souk that day with my teeth intact, an incomprehensible story ringing in my ears, and this marvelous hat.

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Humility and the scientific method

In the Fall of 1990, on a whim of the gods, I was in Tunisia, touring the ruins of ancient Roman colonies with some Italian students.  Saddam Hussein had just decided to reclaim Kuwait (believe it or not, he had some historical precedent) and the long litany of dares and double-dares had begun.  Most of the Arab speaking world backed Saddam in this, albeit halfheartedly, because they thought of Kuwaitis as selfish and spoiled.  Poor people rarely like rich people.

In any event, Americans, such as myself, were viewed warily, especially unusual ones.  First of all, I stood literally head and shoulders above most of the population.  Secondly, I was traveling with Italians, and it was clear that I spoke Italian.  Everyone knows Americans don’t speak Italian unless they’re up to no good.  It was obvious to discerning Tunisians that I was a CIA operative, in Tunisia during the Gulf crisis to – what?  The fact that no one could imagine what such a person might be up to there only confirmed their suspicions.  Lucky for me, they are, for the most part, a gentle and amicable people, but it did take awhile to get accustomed to knowing smiles and the occasional glare.

All things considered, I was left a bit dubious of the critical thinking skills of the hoi polloi.  And so it happened that, on a break from run-down Roman baths and fora. we visited Douz, once the fabled trailhead for Timbuktu and points beyond, nowadays a hive of hucksters and tourists longing for a one or two hour Lawrence of Arabia experience.  Typically, one wanders out into the Sahara on a camel led by a guide on foot, has lunch, and returns for an extended photo op.  I thought the camel ride seemed pointless, but I thoroughly enjoyed watching the friendly clash of cultures.

Suddenly, my pondering was interrupted by the loud and repeated braying of a camel.  Camels, of course, are among the rudest animals humans associate themselves with, but this outburst had an unusual urgency about it.  I looked over and saw that four or five men had wrestled a camel to the ground, and were holding it down.  Nearby, a wood fire burned, with a long iron rod reddening in the heat.  I walked over and asked one of the camel drivers standing nearby what on earth was going on.

“Ah,” he said, “this camel refuses to eat.  He will die soon, unless something is done.”

As he said this, a man pulled the iron, now white hot, out of the fire, walked over to the prostrate beast, and began searing three parallel lines on the animal’s throat.

“This will make him hungry, and he will eat, and all will be well,” my new friend cheerfully informed me.

Poor benighted bastards, I thought.  If only they had access to modern veterinary practice, instead of relying on this absurd medieval ritual!  I wondered what they would do when they realized this wasn’t working, maybe exorcise demons?  The men concluded their torture and let the camel stand on its own.

Whereupon it immediately walked over to a clump of grass, and began enthusiastically devouring it.