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Stuff I don’t claim is true.

Explaining the Holy Trinity

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Okay, so, God himself  is male, although there doesn’t seem to be a Mrs. God, or even any Girlfriends.  All the same, he has a son, Jesus, who, in spite of his name, is not Hispanic, but Jewish.  The reason for this is that his mother was Jewish, and as we know, descent is reckoned matrilineally in that tradition.

Why his mother was Jewish is rather complicated, but it all goes back to the fact that there aren’t any Goddesses.  There used to be, of course, along with dozens of other Gods, but that was before all the Mergers.  A lack of Planning, no doubt.  At any rate, God needed a son, apparently.  This was because the original people, by finding out the Big Secret, had annoyed him to the point that the only way to fix things was for him to have a son and have people kill him.  It’s not clear who made that rule; you would have thought that would only have annoyed him even more.  But never mind, that was the rule, and there was no squirming out of it.

So there’s God, needing a son, and no obvious way to get one.  Except, of course, being God, he could have just created one on the spot.  Or he could have just said, “Forget it, that Adam and Eve thing was so long ago, who even remembers?”  But of course there was the rule.  Maybe God has a Mom we don’t know about?

But I digress.  What to do?  Well, humans had beaucoup females.  A bit kinky, but well within divine tradition, and after all, the whole issue was their fault.  Of course, she would have to be a virgin.  I mean.  And it would be way cool if she could stay a virgin through the whole thing.

God was living in the Levant in those days, and found a suitable girl, Mary, in no time.  The permanent virgin thing was trickier.  Enter the Holy Ghost.

I’m not saying that all of the above has been a paragon of clarity, but this is where things get a bit fuzzy.  See,  in spite of being the Holy Ghost, he’s not a former Holy Live Person, as you might expect.  To complicate things even more, it’s not clear exactly what he is.  I say he, but even that’s not clear.  Sometimes he’s a dove, sometimes, especially when he’s making religious people spout gibberish, he’s, like, fire.  Not like a house fire, more like a little Bic fire, sprouting from their heads.  With regard to the whole Mary thing, you often see him in paintings as a dove, but I’m going with the Bic; more consistent with permanent virgincy, don’t you think?

So.  That’s your Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost.  Mary doesn’t count, as she’s a she, and everybody agrees nowadays that persons of that persuasion don’t have sufficient gravitas.  They have obviously not met any nuns.  Ditto for the possible Holy Mom.  This may leave you wondering, who is Jesus’ real Dad, God or the Holy Ghost?  It also brings up the whole issue of the Holy Ghost’s rank, so to speak.  Is he a Brother, an Uncle, a Pet?  Or if they are all the same person, as people claim, how does that make any sense?  As it happens, I have had the privilege of twelve years of Roman Catholic education, from kindergarten through high school, under the tutelage of first the fine Sisters of Providence, and then the Franciscans.  I am highly qualified to give you the best answer from the highest authority.

It’s a mystery.  Shut up.

A letter to the Director

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To Mr. Benjamin Flitworthy, Director

Dear Mr. Flitworthy

I find your proposal to be ludicrous to the point of madness.  It causes me, indeed, to question your sincerity in pursuing this transaction.  To my knowledge, it has never been observed, nor yet postulated, that, as you suggested, pigs might fly.

Yours, Sir Nigel Blagh

A report on alien life

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At first we thought those were their bodies, with hard sleek exoskeletons of various sizes.  The shapes were roughly the same, although variations were plentiful.  The larger ones, which we assumed to be adults, were two to three times the length of the smaller ones, with much greater volume.  As we began to gather more information, however, we realized the ratios were not quite right, and there were too few intermediate forms for this to be a juvenile/adult distinction.  And yet, there were intermediate forms, so we were forced to rule out a larval stage.  Quite puzzling.

A few days into our study, one of us noticed one that seemed to have split in half; furthermore its exoskeleton was entirely missing.  Was this a beginning stage in reproduction?  We were very exited about the prospect of seeing such an event so early in the project, not to mention the opportunity to study the infra-skeletal structure.  I was fortunate to be assigned to head up the investigation of this new phenomenon. while the rest of the team continued as before.  On the first day of intensive investigations there was a most interesting occurrence;  one of the half-entities came further apart.

Needless to say, I was beside myself.  Nothing like this had ever happened in the history of these explorations.  Furthermore, it appeared that the quarter-entities that resulted  had quite differing characteristics: one retained its rigid form, but the other was revealed to be soft and worm-like under enhanced magnification.  Further, as magnification was increased, more and more of the worm entities became apparent, and were even seen associated with the larger, singular exoskeletons.

As you can imagine. the next few weeks were a turmoil of activity, as discovery followed discovery.  Complete data are coming under separate cover, but here is a summary of the astonishing conclusions to which we came.

1.  The “exoskeletons” are not skeletal at all, but are shells.  We came to this conclusion because they appear not to move unless associated with a worm entity.

2.  It is the worm-like forms that are the real entities, displaying volition and spontaneous motion, although very little outside their shells.

3.  The shells are nevertheless useless as protection, as they crumple easily, and exude a reddish liquid that appears deadly for the worms.

We hope to generate a more thorough report within a year upon returning home, which should be soon.  We will be leaving Earth orbit as soon as practical.